Lost in Time and Space

I can't sleep. I'm having a bad day and too many thoughts keep running through my head for me to be able to sleep.

The boy is round; he's upstairs asleep. Unlike previous boys, he doesn't follow me like a puppy dog when I want time on my own. However, unlike other boys he doesn't realise, that mostly when I take myself away, all I really want is for them to act like they care. Typical, fickle woman.

My ex is dating again; a friend of mine, although I'm not meant to know - I've just heard on the grapevine. I worry that this is the reason I've been feeling crap. I worry that if him dating can make me feel crap, does it mean I still feel something for him. And in that case, there's no way I should be with someone else right now - it's not fair on them.

I hate my head and all the stupid thoughts I get. I'm bitter and twisted about him dating - purely because, it was only weeks ago that he was still professing his undying love for me. He always professes this, and then goes off and shags someone else (claiming he was doing it to try and get over me). Still, doesn't convince me about the authenticity of his feelings.

I am currently on my year out from college. I am meant to be deciding/realising my purpose in life, but it's not coming too easily. I am torn between career paths, and already feel that I am behind and need to play catch-up. I feel like every decision counts, and I haven't got a clue what to do. Do I commit to a career that I'm not sure I'll like, or do I dither for bit, with no promises that a path will become clear post-dithering.

I hate myself when I'm crap. Everything turns to shit. Even now, I'm having huge doubts about my apparently perfect relationship. They are not even justified. It's all in my head, and I hate myself for listening; for letting it get to me. I want to 'snap out of it' just like people say to me. I only wish it was that easy.

Well, it's been so long since my last blog - I'd completely forgotten about it to be honest.

Things are as they always are. Some things better, some worse. Nothing has changed considerably really, which is the most depressing thing. My doctors still don't seem to take any of it seriously. I've changed medication lots, but nothing seems to have made a difference.

Worst of all, is the fatigue. I can't seem to function at all at work, as I'm so painfully tired. The only way I can get through the day, is to make sure I'm in bed by 8pm, which understandably does not leave me with much of a social life.

Relationship-wise, not too much has happened. I did make the mistake of opening the 'ex-files' and we went out again for about 2 weeks, before he acted like a complete bastard, and screwed me over - again. I can only blame myself. Since I have found myself another boyfriend, who hopefully is not a bastard - either that or he hides it very well. He is unlike any guy I have ever met (and not really in a good way). But despite his seemingly unsuitable exterior, he is very kind and caring (I hope). We'll see. I think I'm a lot more chilled with relationships these days, it makes them easier to cope with.

He doesn't know about my depression. Well; he knows I'm depressed, but I don't think he really understands the conotations of that; at all. I think he's one of these people who doesn't believe in depression and just tells people to 'pull yourself together'. Not good. Still, he seems committed, so lets see how long it takes me to scare him off. I'll keep you posted.

There are 4 days of college left, and they are full of deadlines, which are stressing me out.

 

I just read my last blog, and feel that it really needs updating. Although at first, I felt my boy really didn’t understand what I was going through, he’s finally getting it. The last time I was really depressed he was so good to me– he just looked after me completely. And I felt protected. I felt like for once, someone actually cared.

 

I was finding it difficult, living on my own, when all my friends had graduated and moved away. I felt isolated, so the boy let me move in with him. I honestly didn’t expect it to be terribly successful, predicting many arguments and a lot of stress (between my coursework and his exams). In reality, it’s been amazing. And after spending the first 2 weeks, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, to convince him that living with him is an ok idea, I’ve finally relaxed a bit. I finally just felt that little bit more close to him; a little bit more understanding, and a lot more serious. I think I fell in love with him during those first weeks, and apparently he did too, or so he told me.

 

I guess it was a relief to know that it wasn’t going nowhere. Now I think, we’ve done justice to our relationship, whether we go on for years, or break up in a few months.

 

 But up until then, the more I’d started liking him, the more inadequate I felt. It scared me to think that the more I got to like him, the more serious my down times would be. And know he’s professed to loving me, there is the extra worry on my mind, that maybe I will do something to make him stop loving me.

 

I still have bad days, but at least he’s more supportive of me. I envy his relationship with his family. The kindness and the caring that I feel I lack so much in my family. It makes me wonder: When did my mum start hating us?

  For all I know it might have been from the beginning. She always told me ‘You don’t automatically love your kids from the beginning – you have to work hard to.’ Is that really true, or just in her case?